The Gates Of America

She stood snarling at the gates of America, clawing the body of a security guard.  Her hair looked like snow that a dog had pissed in.  Make-up smeared her eyes into dark elliptical orbits.  I reached inside and there was nothing...nothing but cool black wavering away against the nothing wind of her eyes.  Blood giggled over her pearly yellow teeth, reflex wiped it away with her tongue,  her eyes rippling with fear.  

I had fallen in love.

This Just In...

Mercerville, NJ, USA

A local man was caught late Tuesday morning attempting to paint his house in human blood.  His three bedroom two bath Mercerville home had been half painted in blood when police came to question him.  82 year old Dusty McNaberthy of Mercerville, NJ initially told police that it was his own blood and it had been saved over a period of 4 months, in his freezer.

Confessions from three neighborhood schoolchildren revealed a horrifying truth.  McNaberthy had been paying $5 a pint for the neighborhood children's blood for the last 14 months.  He even traded drugs and pornography for blood, some schoolchildren alleged.

McNaberthy made no public statements except to say, "Yeah whattcha gonna git me on copper, distributing harmful material to minors!?"  He is set to be arraigned on charges of distributing harmful material to minors on Thursday.

Comfort

It is the human craving of comfort that has carved this once  beautiful planet into the nightmarish hellscape it is today.  

Cause For Alarm

Fellow citizens of the Earth.  I am speaking to you tonight from the office of Michael J. Migliacci, Kyoto, Japan.  Within the last few hours it has become clear that the Earth is under telepathic attack from beings beyond our solar system.  This is great cause for alarm and panic.  All forms of panic or hysteria will be tolerated between the hours of 7 and 10 this evening.  After thus stated time all those exhibiting signs of panic will be shot without question. 

The attack is aimed at the higher reasoning centers of the brain.  We are being forced, against our wills, to prepare our own world for colonization, and its citizenry for enslavement.  However, we have been able to identify several human agents who are, aiding in this hideous sneak attack.  Some have been taken into custody most are still at large.  

Radio personality Rush Limbaugh has been identified as an Alien Co-Conspirator.  Instead of being killed for his crimes he has been sterilized, isolated, and his mind completely erased.  We are attempting to plant artificial mathematical formulas in his mind that will poison the Alien Logic Center located within sector 2146-7 of the Andromeda Galaxy, our closest galactic neighbor.  

My fellow citizens, this plan must work!  We need the help of every human being to succeed.  Please concentrate your thoughts on Mr. Limbaugh.  Try to fill his emptied mind with thoughts of love, decency and compassion.  These ideas have been determined to be the most foreign and confusing to his cerebral make-up.  This will give us the time we need to plant the mathematical weapon. 

If we are to fail...if colonization of the Earth is imminent...the leaders of the so-called "Nuclear Club" have signed an agreement to begin bombing of all the major cities on the Earth.  We must not let our culture fall into alien hands.  The future of the human race depends on our success.

Thank you

Good luck

And may god have mercy on our souls.

Cut Up #4

Ahead Warp Factor Two...

We all know what warp speed is, it's pretty fucking fast, but what is warp speed really?  In fact, it's not speed at all.  The ship in question, here the NCC-1701-D, sits inside a Warp Bubble which has no connection the the movement happening around the ship.  The ship and the space around the ship are not moving. 

A massive gravitational field is formed in front of, and behind the ship.  It pulls the place you want to go closer to you, and pushes the place you want to leave further away.  That's why in Star Trek The Next Generation when the Enterprise goes into warp speed we see it stretch out like that.  It gets all long and skinny and then snaps away real fast.  In the old Star Trek we never see them traveling at warp speed because they had no really cool visual effect to represent it.  The best we get is when the Enterprise whizzes by in the opening credits, and makes that swooosh sound, which is really retarded because there would never be a sound like that in space or moving at that speed.  Its like "Hey run at 4,000,000,000,000 km/h and hear the wind rustling in our ears!" 

That brings us to Warp Factors.  The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second or 1,079,252,848.8 kilometers per hour.  A warp factor is the speed of light squared, so warp factor two is 1,079,252,848.8 x 1,079,252,848.8 kilometers per hour.

The Enterprise can only go up to warp factor 9, because anymore than that would tear the ship apart.  Look at the picture, there are two opposing gravity wells, if they get too big they will split the ship in half.  But lets face it, if warp factor nine can get you to some hot green chick on  Argelius Two, and away from a mind controlling brain worm on Seti Alpha Five in like 2 seconds, isn't that fast enough?

His Prices Were INSANE!

Crazy Eddie’s going computer CRAZY!  With an incredible collection of home computers and computer software.  Atari, Texas Instruments, Commodore, Xerox, Crazy Eddie’s got ‘em all!  All at the GUARANTEED lowest prices, shop around, get the best prices you can on computers, then take ‘em to Crazy Eddie and he’ll BEAT ‘EM!  Crazy Eddie’s going COMPUTER CRAZY!  Now is the time to get the computer you always wanted!

Crazy Eddie, his computer prices are INSANE!!!!

 If you’re looking for a home computer go to see Crazy Eddie NOW…because Crazy Eddie’s greatest computer sale EVER is on NOW!  With prices that are INSANE!!!  

Cut Up #3

Cut Up #2

Cut Up #1

The Addictive Brain

The addictive brain is like an abscess.  An open sore buried in a sugar coated skull.  Rotting like a tooth.  Deep, black and cavernous, rolling with maggots.  They crawl down the spine, along the nerves, through the veins to the fingertips.  Moving you, whispering to you, making you act.  Making you use all things and people.  Devouring the weak like a shark swimming in shit.  The addictive brain only eats and shits.  It swims, consumes and shits until it is lost in a sea of shit.  Wave after wave of lost time, and forgotten moments.  Nothing left to eat, you float to the bottom, and wait.

Rock Hard Abs

ROCK HARD ABS IN NO TIME FLAT!

rock hard abs IN NO TIME FLAT!

Rock hard ABS! IN NO TIME FLAT!

Did you know that 99% of the human population suffers from a hideous deformity known as un-rock hard abs!?  It's true!  Just look around, look at your friends and family!  LOOK AT YOURSELF!  Well, Rock Hard Abs Inc. is dedicated to eliminating un-rock hard abs one person at a time...STARTING WITH YOU!!

Do you sit around watching TV eating cheetos and drinking diet cola thinking to yourself, "God, I wish I had rock hard abs."  Well you CAN have rock hard abs, and in NO TIME FLAT!  Do you kneel before a make-shift shrine to rock hard abs every night with a shotgun in your mouth, tears streaming down your fat ugly face saying "God!  I wish I was dead because I don't have glistening rock hard abs!!!"  Well put the shotgun down, now you too can have rock hard abs! For just $29.99 a month.  

Are you tired of being embarrassed to take your shirt off on the beach because you know the girls are all snickering behind your back saying "EWWWW look at that ugly hideous freak!  Why would God create such a twisted freakish monster!  GOD! to not have rock hard abs must be hell!! I hope he dies soon so he doesn't have to suffer the pain of un-rock hard abs!"  Well, for just $29.99 a month you could quiet those voices in your head telling you to die because of un-rock hard abism.  A condition plaguing our nation. 

But how will your life improve from rock hard abs?  Rock hard abs will allow you to have confidence with women!  You could have sex with any woman you want with rock hard abs!  If you are attacked with a knife, rock hard abs will protect you, bending the knife and breaking the arm of the attacker!  Rock hard abs will allow you to cure all disease including cancer!  Rock hard abs will allow you to control the minds of people you do business with.  Rock hard abs will change the way you think and let you see into the future.  Rock hard abs will protect you and your loved ones in the case of an accidental nuclear strike from an aging soviet first strike detection system.  Rock hard abs will be able to bend timespace allowing you to travel to distant galaxies without defying Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Rock hard abs will end all suffering on Earth.  Rock hard abs make you the uncontested ruler of the universe, instantaneously impregnating every woman with your seed.  The children will grow to maturity overnight.  When they are born they will leave their mothers nothing more than a shell, a wet pink blanket thrown over a pile of bones.  These children will grow into a great army and enslave all inhabited planets in the Universe.  They will bend only to YOUR will.  And all for $29.99 a month, plus tax.

Murderer!

I'm shocked and disappointed to see that she's still alive.  Steam rising from her wounds, her breath quickening.  Waiting for her to die I check my watch making sure I can still make it back to the open bar and free food of the Long Island Mindless Chatter Society Annual Dinner.  

Check my tux...no blood stains, good, good.  The gin and tonics are stiff in there.  Carbonated piss and lime pulp after one of those.  Why is she still moaning, should I crack her again?  Maybe I should hold her head in the pond.  No, no five hundred yards from here at least, bloody up the tux for sure.  

I love it when the woods are this cold and quite, reminds me of the first time.  Her breaths are getting shorter now.  That's a good sign, she's bleeding out.  The reason the breaths get shorter is that there is less blood in the lungs.  Bronchioles are closing down.  Suffocation is part of bleeding to death.  I hear from the other med students that it's quite pleasant.  

Ahh, look at everyone in there.  I can see the warm lights of Houghton Hall from here, and hear the laughter at the party.  I wonder if she can hear it too?  Ha ha! Is that old Duke Gleason at the piano, that old devil!

Dear God...What Happend?

Lord, 

You started off sooooo strong with the whole creation.  I mean, creating yourself out of nothing, then all of the matter in the universe! The Earth, the Sea, the Heavens, and Man!!  That was amazing!  And you didn't stop there!

The plagues in the Old Testament were a great follow up.  I mean, killing sons, locusts out the ass,  the Flood.  You flooded the entire Earth because people weren't doin' what you wanted.  You were kickin' ass and takin' names.  You even had Abraham ready to knife his own kid, till you stepped in and was all like "Dude! don't do that!  I was just playin' fool!" Little did Abe know you were planning the same gig for yourself in the New Testament.  Looks like Jesus didn't get the pardon that Jacob did...oh well, you're God after all.

But what have you done for us lately!?  I mean, states are passing gay marriage left and right, and we all know you hate gays!  We can only wonder why you created them in the first place if you hate 'em so much.  Just saying it's weird.  No major plagues lately.  AIDS had potential, but it's really just killing the uneducated people in the most impoverished nations.  So much for the meek inheriting the Earth, eh?  And you are losing followers like crazy!  This would be a great time for some showmanship. But no...

You are reduced to revealing yourself to half-wits in grilled cheese sandwiches.  What's with that.  It's like four or five grilled cheese sandwiches this year!  At least hit a pastrami on rye, a sandwich with a little old school flavor.  I mean, it's like Elvis' Vegas gigs...you're better than that dude.  Really, I'm not dissing your early work, but either retire or get back in the saddle. 

Sincerely,

Michael J. Migliacci

Cephalalgia.. my foot!

Did you know that cephalalgia means headache!?

What else are they hiding from us?  How much more don't we know?  Look at this poor man!  He's in pain... pain with cephalalgia!  As I type this there is a dotted red line under the word cephalalgia!  Just like there is a dotted red line under the word unedyukayted.  That means my computer doesn't even know this word!  Yet there is a medical journal deadikayted to this crazy word "cephalalgia" .  Check it out! 

http://www.wiley.com/bw/journal.asp?ref=0333-1024

Chuck D.

I am a firm believer in the diversity of species being derived from a process of natural selection.  Anyone who just takes the time to read the original text by Darwin would have try hard to convince themselves that this process is not afoot.  However, with that said, I must come clean and admit that I do not think humans are part of this process.

The key to the evolution of species through natural selection is that the organisms in question make small, progressive steps to succeed within their environment.  They adapt to the environment, they have no power over the environment, unlike humans.  The plants, insects and animals we see around us today are, by no means the end product of that struggle, rather the versions of those organisms that have survived to this point.  

Evolution and extinction continue today as they have since the beginning of life on Earth.  Animals go extinct every day and no one notices, but in our lifetimes popular animals like the polar bear will no longer exist.  Imagine that for a moment.  Your grandchildren will live in a world where the polar bear is off with the dinosaurs.  This fact is entirely due to Human Beings.

It hasn't taken a long time either.  We didn't start destroying the environment 10,000 years ago, we started 170 years ago with the Second Industrial Revolution.  The planet is 4,000,000,000 years old, we fucked it up beyond repair in 170. That sucks. That really sucks.  How could an organism which has, hands down, won the struggle for existence destroy the Earth that quickly?  The reward for survival goes to the creature who can adapt to the changing environment.  Humans have never adapted to anything!  We  don't adapt, we CHANGE our environment.  Where did we learn to do that?  Not on Earth I reckon.  Somewhere out there, our true home among the stars.

Art, architecture, economy and electronics... these  things are unnatural.  They don't exist here, we made them up!  Maybe one day when the mother ship returns to take us home, the mountains on our planet will be shaped like sky scrapers.  Candy bars will grow on trees.  Rivers will run with Coca-Cola (a poisonous substance on Earth), and the clouds will be made of dioxin.  Ahhhhh, home at last, where the apples don't have seeds, they have microchips.  Animals grow polyester fur!  And "Son... there's plastic in them thar hills."

The Intruder

William S. Burroughs claimed to be possessed by what he called the Ugly Spirt.  I call it The Intruder.  The Intruder is a subtle but powerful thing that sits at the top of the brain stem and extends down the spinal column.  It is immobile, however has agents all over the body.  The most important are the ones in the hands, the guts, and the genitals.

How many people are infected is hard to tell.  The Intruders communicate with each other telepathically bringing together people of similar perversions.  They read our minds and exploit that information to control those around us.  They not only change our perception of our environment, they can manipulate the actual physical world in a very subtle way.  When you have an accidental encounter with someone you are attracted to,  beware.  There are many levels of communication at work.  One of these frequencies could be an Intruder com link.

I'm not sure when the presence of the Intruder became clear to me but I remember some instances when I was a child of fighting off an invasion of some kind.  I could feel an involuntary twisting in my legs and arms as I lay in bed, maybe six or seven years old. I thought it was the devil and tried to exorcise him by imagining a large plate of glass being lowered onto my body and passing through me like a filter.  When the glass passed completely through my body there was a large black stain left where my body had been.  I imagined wiping the vile black grease off with a rag and flushing it down the toilet.  It was from this time on that I felt I was never really alone.  Maybe that's why being alone, even for long stretches of time, doesn't bother me.

  

Its not impossible to fight the intruder, he does not have control, just a profound influence.  The real danger is in it's ability to find others and bring you in contact with them.  It's the others, the other infected people who can have real power over you.  They can make you do things that you don't want to do.  Or even worse tell you the things you are thinking are ok, and encourage you explore them.  Trust no one.

Dinosaurs Made My Tea

Yesterday I made a cup of tea.  It was hot.  Heat is energy.  The energy came from the burning gas on my stove.  The gas came from natural fossil fuels that contained the latent energy.  The fossil fuel got the energy from the bodies of animals that died and began decomposing around 300 million years ago.  The energy got into the animals from the plants they ate.  The energy got into the plants by the photosynthesis of sunlight.  The sunlight got into the plants after making the 8 minute journey from the Sun to the Earth about 300 million years ago.  The energy got into the sunlight from the thermonuclear reaction of hydrogen atoms inside the sun.  The hydrogen atoms got inside the sun by mutual gravitational attraction sometime shortly after the big bang about 20 billion years ago. I had to wait about 3 minutes for the tea to cool down.

Hammerhead

"Doctor, I'm having a terrible problem."

"What is it my son?"

"Every morning when I get up I drink a cup of coffee, then smash myself in the face with a hammer about ten times."

"I see...do you do this every morning?"

"Yes, and sometimes in the late afternoon."

"Ok, and what seems to be the problem?"

"Well I'm experiencing headaches, swelling, bleeding and the occasional shattering of teeth.  What can I do?"

"Well, I think those mysterious symptoms might be related to the hammering of your face, but there is no way to make sure."

"Oh God! Help me doctor!"

"I think we need to use a multi-pronged approach in dealing with all of your symptoms so your body can heal itself."

"Will it be expensive?"

"Yes, very."

"Ummm..."

"First, we must deal with the pain!  Im going to prescribe morphine.  It's highly addictive and can cause extensive liver damage, but it will be effective on pain of this severity.  Secondly, all of your teeth must be removed, this will prevent shattering, and cutting of the lips and gums by razor sharp tooth fragments."

"How will I eat?"

"You will have to be put on a liquid diet for the rest of your life."

"Won't I lose weight?"

"Yes and no.  You will lose weight on the diet, but we will give you medication that will slow down your metabolism. It may leave you weakened and lethargic, and could lead to depression.  But don't worry, we can take care of that with a colorful cocktail of anti-depressants."

"What else, doctor?"

"I suggest surgery on both of your shoulders as well as your forearms.  We need to go in there and get those large muscles out!  It's those muscles that are allowing you to hit your face with such force."

"Will I be able to use my arms!?"

"A little, you will still be able to lift and use a credit card, but nothing more."

"Are there any other options doctor?"

"You could stop hitting yourself in the face with a hammer, or at least cut down, but that would require you to change your behavior.  This approach has a staggeringly high rate of failure and has not been proven effective.  Also it would be totally unethical of me to suggest a course of treatment that's so inexpensive."

"Thank you doctor, I trust you."

"Ok, lets get you that morphine."

TV Bomb

Only now is the real threat of a Television attack on the United States becoming clear.  Television attacks are the most sneaky and manipulative type of invasion mankind has yet devised.  No loud bangs or enemy troops in your back yard.  No discernible targets like cities, government installations, or power supplies.  The Television attack strikes right at the heart of the American people, at our minds and our  culture.  

How can one tell if they are under attack by televised means?  Well... it's very difficult to tell.  The attack comes on slow, and seems pleasant at first, almost enjoyable.  You laugh, sit around in your safe home with friends and family, everything seems perfectly normal.  Why, everyone is enjoying themselves.  Laughing, crying, tuning in every week!  Gabbing with their pals around the water cooler, "Say Jim, did you see so and so on the tube last night? What a gas!" 

In fact, everyone is enjoying themselves so much that those who don't have, or don't watch television start to look strange.  They no longer fit in.  They don't understand the new jokes, they can't get with the new way of talking or seeing things.  The events in their lives do not correspond with those being send out via the television.  At this point the battle is all but won.

But this begs the question, where are we now?  An attack comes on slow and it may take decades to destroy an entire country.  The United States has been under attack for nearly 60 years.  How long do we have left.  It's up to you.  

Destroy your television now! And encourage others to do the same.

Thank you and goodnight.